I find that themes seem to run through the weeks of our lives. I overhear one person talk on a topic, then another will mention that same thing in class, then yet another will approach me for advice….and so it goes. Commonality between us. Shared energy that bounces from one to another invoking all sorts of stories within us. A collective energy that brings issues to the surface alerting us to the fact that we are not alone in dealing with them.
It seems that the shops are filled with red. Red hearts and cute white bunnies with red heart shaped ears. Red negligees that are made from whispers of material and heart shaped chocolates that wink at you as you walk past. Desperate reminders of love. All these commercial trinkets, pretty as they are, remind us only to love others. They sell us the story that we will be complete once we have a person to love. That we will be whole when we can fill our shopping basket with all things red and sweet waiting to be passed on to another. The flaw in all this is that we have forgotten to love ourselves. Somewhere along the path of our lives we stop loving who we are. I am not sure where and when it happens but I do know that we do not come into this world full of self criticism. We are not born thinking our legs are too fat or our hair the wrong colour. We do not stand as children in front of the mirror and inhale deep breaths of self loathing.
So here we find our common theme. I can no longer count the number of times a client has told me that they do not like themselves but over the past few weeks this issue has risen to the surface like bubbles in a pot of porridge. One after the other I hear their words and feel their anger. A vast number of them living in a state of perpetual self disappointment. Awash with self loathing they pour their love into others and hide their inner neglect behind layers of denial. I hear the words echo around the studio. I can’t…. I will never be able…. I am no good at…. I am no good… I am too short… I am too tall…. I am to weak….I don’t like myself. Oh so many ‘I don’t like myselfs’. I see the ‘help me’ in their eyes and I feel the ache of sadness in their hearts. At the end of class I ask them to think of things they are grateful for and then I ask question ‘did you put yourself on the list’?
I see it when they stand before my lens. I look terrible in photos they say…. I am so ugly… I hate my hair…. I am so fat… I hear an endless diatribe of I am not good enough, I’m not pretty enough, I am just plain not enough utterances. Kilos of criticism and hearts heavy with the weight of it all.
Stop being so hard on yourself. Just stop. You are all beautiful. Every single last one of you is beautiful. How do you expect anyone else to love you if you do not love yourself. Stop hating your arms that you believe are imperfect. If they can hold and hug then they are good enough. Stop hating your legs that you believe are not long enough or thin enough. They carry you where you want to go…thank them and be grateful for them. So when people ask me how to stop hating themselves I say this. Stop standing in front of that mirror and criticising everything you see. Start by liking one thing. Be thankful for that, whatever it may be and how ever insignificant you think it is. Then tomorrow find another thing. If you can’t find something to like then just find something to be grateful for. You may not love your eyes but you can be grateful that they enable you to see. You may not love your feet but you can be grateful that they carry you where you want to go. Keep doing this and one day the dislikes will turn into likes and the you will slowly start to see all the beauty that others find so endearing.
I am not suggesting for one moment that we don’t all have room for growth and improvement. Without doubt we all have areas we need to work on be it in the physical, mental, emotional or spiritual planes of our lives. There is always work to be done but you can start by being kinder to yourselves. Get over that initial hurdle and then start working on the things you can change and gradually accepting the things you can’t. Go back to being that kid in front of the mirror. The one who believes in his reflection. The one who believes he is invincible and strong and just perfect the way he is.
Loving someone else will never make up for not loving ourselves.
nikivanvelden 