I’m not where I want to be…

I’m not where I want to be.  I’m far from where I want to be, but I’m closer than I was.

Two years ago I was on my knees.  Broken by the end of a twenty seven year marriage and just months later the death of my mother.  I had no idea how I was going to survive let alone live.  I’m not there anymore.  I’m so not there anymore.  I’m putting myself back together bit by bit.  When things get broken and put back together they don’t look the same.  The japanese call it kintsugi.  The art of fixing something that is broken and making it more beautiful. I’m putting myself back together and hopefully the new me will be better…..but I’m still a little bit broken.  Fixing some things takes time.

Lots of time.

In the meantime I am perfectly capable of constantly beating myself up about not being where I want to be.  Not being good enough.  Not achieving enough.  I know we all do it but I am the master of it.  Constant tirades at the mirror.  Moments of pure diatribe when I am driving.  Telling myself I should be better. I should be stronger, fitter, more capable, more successful. I should be where I want to be….but I’m not.  It’s too soon.

So in a quiet moment this weekend I wrote down all the things that I have achieved in the last two years.

I did 500 hours of yoga teacher training and passed with distinction

I started teaching yoga daily and in doing so making a difference to so many lives

I did counsellor training and passed with distinction

I did my meditation teacher training and passed with distinction

I started an online business learning about packaging, trademarks and countless other things

I started importing for my online business

I helped write a book that is about to go to print

I wrote my own book – well the first 60,000 words of it.  It still a work in progress.

I expanded my photography business

I went on a blind date

I buried my mother and dealt with her estate

I stopped watching tv

I increased my exercise and changed my diet

On a personal level I moved house, bought a car, opened bank accounts, opened cell phone accounts and learnt to do life on my own

I’m learning to deal with my anger

I’m learning to soften

With the support of some incredible friends I survived

I survived and I grew and I got to know all the broken parts of myself.

I’m not done putting myself back together.  I’m still hurting.  I’m still a little bit broken.

I’m not where I want to be but I’m closer than I was.

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6 Responses to “I’m not where I want to be…”


  1. 1 channonw 27/03/2017 at 1:00 pm

    Beutifully written Niki, I love reading your blog 🙂

  2. 2 Anonymous 27/03/2017 at 5:38 pm

    Well done Niki, I admire you and applaud your strength and tenacious attitude. Yes, I said strength, it may feel like you are nowhere near strong but just look at your list and realize all the wrong directions you could have gone but you went your way. That is true power.

  3. 4 Anonymous 29/03/2017 at 6:13 am

    Love reading your posts……….makes us all think xx

  4. 5 Charmaine Botha 30/03/2017 at 1:39 pm

    Reading this, was like reading my own story,…. so beautifully and sensitively narrated, these words helped me regain perspective and honor my own journey and accomplishments over the last 7 years….. thank you so much for sharing, and encouraging…. we so easily doubt our strength xxC


  1. 1 I’m not where I want to be… — nikivanvelden | STAYWOKEWITHJAMIE.COM Trackback on 21/06/2017 at 8:22 am

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