Posts Tagged 'pain'

It’s been a while…

 

I’ve been absent from this space and I have missed it. Not an intentional break. Not a holiday. Not a ‘working on myself’ break. No sabbatical for me.  I have been absent because life seriously got in the way. Seriously fucking in the way and the words had to play second place.  Something had to give.

There has been so much I have wanted to say and I have sorely missed this space. I have missed the pouring of words through me onto this page.  I had so much I wanted to write about.  So much that needed to be curved and moulded into words… but much of it wasn’t my story to tell so I left the pages vacant and wondering.  What is mine to tell simply cannot be told yet. It needs to shift and simmer in me a while yet.  It needs to soften so that my words do not pour out in an angry wounding diatribe.

2018 has been a year that has hit me and those close to me hard.  Really hard.  It didn’t shape up the way I would have liked.  The story, if could have written it, would have been different.  It would be filled with blossoms, sweet summer nights and words from a novel fit for the romance shelves.   I certainly wouldn’t be watching my daughter traverse the time and space of unimaginable grief and immense loss.  As graciously and bravely as she is doing it, it is not how I would have written the story.  I would not have held her, broken and weeping, as she said goodbye to her beloved Matthew moments before they turned off his life support.  No. That is most definetly not how this story was supposed to go. It is not how anyone’s story is supposed to go.

I would not be swimming against the anger and grief of my own story.  The words that bubble up for that may possibly never be written here.  There is a saying ‘the thing you are most afraid to write, write that’.  One day maybe, one day.

Through it all I have taught, run the business and done human things.  The stuff that just is and the stuff that just has to be done.  We do that.  We make our beds and show up the best we can.  We clothe ourselves, conceal our broken parts and go out into the day with the bravest heart we can find.

I did my best to get on my mat every day.  Moving my body so that the energy of trauma and sadness can move through me and not make a home where it is not welcome.

The ability to show up to teach even when it felt impossible has kept me grounded and humble.  The human connection that comes at times of loss and grief never failed to move me and I am grateful to each and every one of you.  My close friends listened (and continue to do so) endlessly to my stories.  They called and they showed up.  They bought me coffee.  They drove me where I needed to be at silly hours of the night.  They let me overstay my welcome and checked up on me when I went quiet.  These are really good humans.

I will be eternally thankful for these good humans.

 

 

 

 

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On the art of letting go.

102 Watermark

‘How do I let go of stuff’.  This is a question I have been asked time and time again over the last few weeks.  I have been asked by students after class, by friends and even by people I hardly know.  All of these people weighty with emotional baggage that we as humans tend to carry around.  Heavy loads of history.  Perhaps it is the new year that makes us want to shed these carry on cases.  Maybe we want to step into this new year without all the stuff we carried with us last year and all the years before.  We talk a lot in yoga class of letting go.  Of opening up our bodies, minds and hearts.  We work hard at making space in our bodies.  We work hard at opening up our joints and in doing so we work hard at releasing all the tension and stuff stored there.

Most of the time we are hardly aware that we have stored this garbage away in our emotional piggy bank.  We don’t open the doors there much.  We don’t really like to look into that dark and dusty cupboard overflowing with souvenirs from past relationships.  We save trashy emotional memento’s from events not worthy of remembering and allow them to settle somewhere within us.  We invite them in and let them stay.  We make room for them.  They take up space within us.  Space that could be open and inviting for new and beautiful things.  Yet here we are, storing old things and carrying them around trying desperately not to look at them or even to remember that they are there.

We store them all over our bodies.  Our hips and solar plexus are the usual willing victims.  Our hips get tight and our lower backs suffer under the weight of all the gritty garbage.  There are other places though.  We are ever so adept at making space for all this stuff.  Our whole bodies can be used for storage.  No part of us can escape this dusty trail.

So how do we let it all go?  How do we brave the opening of those dusty doors?  How do we pull out those unwanted emotional trophies one by one and toss them away forever?  After all its going to hurt isn’t it?  There is only one way to let it out and that is through the heart.  Thats the way it came in and that’s the way to let it out.

Here is how you do it.  You open one door at a time.  You find that memento.  Take a look at it.  You are carrying it around with you, all day, every day.  Its heavy and dirty. You don’t want it and you know that if you toss it aside you will have space. Beautiful fresh open space.  For some reason this is the point where we get fearful.  We are nervous of that space.  We are used to the weight of it and there is a comfort in that.  It’s what we know.  It’s who we are.  It hurts to look at it.  Our chest tightens and our heart starts to close.  Don’t let it.  Right at this point take a deep breath and open the heart and let it go.  Get behind the pain and throw that thing away.  Release it with one big beautiful breath.

Yes it will hurt for a moment but then that moment is over and it is gone.  Surely that is far better than carrying it around for another few years.  That is all you have to do. Open your heart and let it go.  It will hurt for just a few moments and then it will be gone.  Surely that is far better than the pain of carrying it around forever.  So why don’t we do this.  Why do we insist on holding on to this detritus.  Why to we litter our bodies with the leftovers of our own personal history.  For one reason only and that it is because it is what we know and what we know feels safe.  It keeps us in our comfort zone and we are spectacularly bad at moving out of that.

So go ahead and drag that stuff out of those dark and dismal corners.  Let it go and move on.  You will be richly rewarded in ways you can only begin to imagine.  Just breathe and let it go.

 

 



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